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It's the Benny Hill Show with a host of
your favorite stars like Tony Hatch

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and Jackie Trent. Uh, Jackie Trent and
Tony Hatch.

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If that's true, then isn't it odd that
diamonds are a girl's best friend but a

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man's best friend is his dog?

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The day that nears my heart is the day
that we women all burnt abroad.

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And that was a flop for a start.

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Man and woman, woman and man, they've
been at each other's throats

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since the world began.

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And his new male model.

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And he's in a picture full of drama.

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Defeat of Napoleon.

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Here is Philip in lighter mood as he
brings you The Policeman's Ball.

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The Fatular Pooler.

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The Shalini Brothers.

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There were ten green bottles hanging on
the wall.

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Ten green bottles hanging on the wall.
And if one green bottle should

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accidentally fall,

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there'd be...

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And here he is, the man himself, Bernie
Hill!

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Now, coconut's good for eating.

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Rabbit soup is good for lunch.

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Swimming is good for my finger.

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Have you never had a look at a duck? If
you want to save money on a highland,

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and cut down on your petrol bill.

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You must be given tiny wheels to the
front of your car and you'll always be

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going downhill.

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Now,

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my wife has had 17 husbands, including
four of her own. Last

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week was our anniversary, so just before
I left home, I wrote her a check for 1

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,000 cases.

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Just this daylight was dawning. I got
back that 90 cent you think was just

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because the milkman cashed it this
morning.

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Coconut milk, coconut butter, coconut
milk.

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Now my wife is watching a million.

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Now how often have you heard that
saying?

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But my wife's not one in a million. She
looks like she's one in a raffling

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stead. She knows so fast, I take her
from me, see, that she will run ten

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every day.

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And if she's out soon, by the end of
next June, she'll be four hundred miles

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away. Then I will drink coconut milk.

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Coconut butter is a good idea.

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When you keep it in the middle and
forget it as well, you dance to the

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the coconut milk.

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computer is going to pit its skill
against the brain of a man.

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But no ordinary man.

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This man has been called Super Head,
Mark the Brain, Wonder Mind.

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He has been trained and finely tuned to
absolute perfection by his mentor, Mr.

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Fred Scuttle.

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I had no idea who he was on, sir.

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I'm Mr. Scott. Dr.

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Scott, if you don't mind, sir.

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It says so on the door.

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Actually, it says, Nurse's Sleeping
Quarter.

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I have the run of the place, sir. They
don't tie me down.

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Unless it's a full moon.

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You exercise your prerogatives.

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If it's slack.

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Tell us, sir, about your protege, your
disciple.

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His name is Arnold, and I must warn you,
sir, that he comes...

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a broken home.

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I mean, the fact that he's the one who
broke it is neither here nor there.

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I don't think I did.

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Oh, don't you start like that. Stand
over there.

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You tell me to stand here.

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Never mind where I told you to stand.
Stand where I told you.

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He doesn't look very bright.

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Not bright.

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Let's meet this genius.

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He wasn't a genius when I met him, sir.
When I met him, he just had 15 jobs in

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four months, sir.

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Yeah, and he'd been at the Chinese
takeaway, the Irish giveaway.

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At the Garden of Remembrance, he forgot
to open the gates.

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At the monastery, Father Rafferty asked
him what he knew about Damascus.

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He said it kills 99 % of all our girls.

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Can I be sued for bleaching the priest?

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He has been bad, sir. You might not
realise it, sir, but he, six months ago,

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a heart transplant.

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Only the donor was a woman.

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And now he's fallen in love with his
self.

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And he doesn't fancy him.

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Anyway, he was so ill recently so that
he tried to commit suicide by taking 500

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aspirins. What happened?

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Well, after he took the first two, he
felt better.

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He's all right now, sir. He's all right,
yes.

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He's able to stand on his own. Is he?

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Oh.

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Just, sir. Only just.

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Yes, yes, yes.

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I'll tell you something, sir. You might
not realise this, sir. Because I use a

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lot of what they call hypnotism, you
see.

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And under hypnotism, you see, if I put
him out... He can answer questions

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I've asked them. Hang on, hang on. I'll
put him on.

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Deep sleep, deep sleep.

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Empty your mind, empty your mind.

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There's a dustbin.

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Deep sleep. You're getting tired. You're
getting more and more tired. You're

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getting sleepy.

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Sleep, sleep, sleep. Deep sleep.

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Not you!

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When I click my fingers, you will be
Wonderbrain! Right, off you go!

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Hawaii Five -O!

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Hawaii Five -O.

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What was the question?

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and also in men's trials.

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The year is 1880.

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The place, the country, is 1880.

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Hello?

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Didn't exchange?

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Oh, hello, Vicar.

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Yeah, here, here, Vicar. I got my
umbrella back, by the way. Yeah.

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Like you said, if I come to church, you
will go through the Ten Commandments,

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and when you come to, they shall not
steal.

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I used to look around and see if I see
anybody looking guilty.

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Well, I got it back, yeah.

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No, Vicar, it was when you said, thou
shalt not commit adultery, I remember

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where I left it.

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Godfrey, is Lady Cruncher about?

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Ah, all right.

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Here, Godfrey, good night last night,
wasn't it, eh?

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I was on the asky -spoo -manty till I
couldn't say it, and then I went on the

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beer.

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I must say, Godfrey, I very much admired
her ladyship's gold -plated toilet.

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That was very nice, that.

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She don't have a gold -plated toilet,
but she has got a spare room where his

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lordship keeps his euphonium.

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The old devil.

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No you didn't!

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Hang on, I'll try and get a cup.

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Mother!

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I haven't got the cup here yet, Mother.
Right, just have a drop of tea now,

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then. Well, let's have some tea then,
Mother, for God's sake.

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Oh, that's enough, Mother.

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You forgot the milk, Mother.

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Thank you, Piper Day. Hang on, hang on,
hang on.

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Yes, Mr. Dunn? Didn't exchange it. You
what?

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You what?

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You're getting flooded out.

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You see that? Well, I'm sorry, the pump
plumber ain't on the tube.

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Well, you have to just stand on the
metal piece and open the windows.

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Hang on.

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Waste not, want not.

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She would like to be coupled with you.

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And she would like to know if you would
play for the blow.

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Will you do that? Thank you kindly.
Ready when you are.

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Just right, thank you.

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I'm coupling you up now.

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Yes,

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Mr. Hardcastle. Hang on, hang on, Mr.

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Hardcastle.

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Dr. Rockner, I've got Mr. Hardcastle for
you. Yeah, yeah.

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Oh, Doctor, by the way, I should like to
say...

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Thank you very much for them brilliantly
pills you give me when I come round to

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your house afterwards.

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And I'd also like to apologise for that
little incident in your waiting room.

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With your wife.

156
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Oh, is she better?

157
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Oh, that is better.

158
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I'll couple you up with Sir Hardcastle
right now.

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Good.

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Dan Kingston.

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the other people.

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God bless their soul.

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Doctor,

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could you send him over a sleeping pill?
He misled the last one.

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Thank you, Doctor.

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That's lovely. Right.

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Stand by, Mr.

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Adcastle. I'm going to blow it over.
Open your mouth wide.

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Wider.

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That's lovely.

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I'll go right down and won't touch the
side. Here we go.

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Got it?

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What do you mean, yes and no?

174
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It's in your ear.

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This might mean a knighthood.

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Hi, I'm here. Oh, hello, Your Royal
Highness. Yes, Prince Albert. Yes, I'm

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On the throne, is she, right?

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As soon as she's off, she'll come to the
throne, right? You're coming now? Yes,

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yes. I'm ready. I'm ready, Prince
Albert, sir. Yes, I am. Right.

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Happy birthday to you.

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If you were the mini -budget, well, of
course, we're interested in our mini

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-holidays. And you can go walking and
dorking, shooting and tooting, sailing

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hailing, and karting and flying.

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Here are a couple of items for those of
you with a little more to spend on

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shopping.

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We only have Toulouse.

187
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And why Waldorf? They are both Waldorf.

188
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First we could see the delivery.

189
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Si, senor. Is 300 pesetas all included?

190
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Is that with the VAT?

191
00:28:48,660 --> 00:28:50,040
Si, but not with the TIP.

192
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:56,160
If it's nice, you can have it. You can
have from Spain. You can have gazpacho

193
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:57,240
soup. Very nice.

194
00:28:58,330 --> 00:29:02,630
from Francia, from Paris. There is
asparagus, asparagus, asparagus onion

195
00:29:03,770 --> 00:29:06,830
In England, brown winter soup. Very
nice, huh?

196
00:29:07,070 --> 00:29:09,310
Where's the coccoletti? First on the
right and the corner.

197
00:29:10,310 --> 00:29:13,190
You know, I do all cook myself.

198
00:29:13,590 --> 00:29:15,050
Oh, single -handed.

199
00:29:15,270 --> 00:29:16,270
No, I use both hands.

200
00:29:18,030 --> 00:29:22,330
Sometimes I make little sausages for
English people. Oh, you use your own

201
00:29:22,330 --> 00:29:23,650
fingers? No, I use sausages.

202
00:29:27,180 --> 00:29:31,300
We do, but she is upstairs. She is with
the patron, you know, dancing lesson.

203
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:33,320
During the bossa nova?

204
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:34,560
During the bossa favor, I think.

205
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:40,200
I never go up there. It makes a very
busy day for you. Si, senorita. Si, what

206
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,300
say in Spain is, I get up with chickens.

207
00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:44,640
I bet you go to bed with the cows.

208
00:29:44,940 --> 00:29:46,200
No, I go to bed with the wife, senor.

209
00:29:46,820 --> 00:29:49,040
The paella is very nice, very nice.

210
00:29:49,260 --> 00:29:52,560
The beef for the paella comes from
Manolo Uncle Farm.

211
00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:56,460
He has 17 lady scouts and two men
scouts.

212
00:29:56,970 --> 00:29:57,970
Bullocks, it's true.

213
00:29:59,270 --> 00:30:05,970
And, you know, only this morning, only
this morning,

214
00:30:06,190 --> 00:30:08,670
Manolo have buy me goose.

215
00:30:09,090 --> 00:30:10,069
No, no, no.

216
00:30:10,070 --> 00:30:11,070
Manolo Portuguese.

217
00:30:11,510 --> 00:30:12,870
No, Manolo Español.

218
00:30:13,850 --> 00:30:18,830
Manolo is not Portuguese. No, it's
Español. Could you tell me the name of a

219
00:30:18,830 --> 00:30:21,590
wine? Something that'll make me feel
romantic.

220
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:25,090
Sí, señorita. Valda Peña. It's the most
expensive wine in all of Spain. The

221
00:30:25,090 --> 00:30:26,090
ladies like it.

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00:30:26,380 --> 00:30:27,380
You are passionate, sir.

223
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,780
I beg your pardon? She's passionate.

224
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,460
You're passionate. It's on page one. You
keep passionate.

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00:30:34,580 --> 00:30:41,160
In Spain, the ladies are no orderly
wine. The men orderly wine in Spain. She

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00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:42,760
a perfect right. She has a perfect left.

227
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,000
But...

228
00:30:59,300 --> 00:31:00,520
It's chicken soup.

229
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:01,720
No mushroom.

230
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,680
Why did he make a noise like a chicken?
He can't do a mushroom.

231
00:31:08,140 --> 00:31:12,360
I beg

232
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:16,560
your pardon?

233
00:31:16,900 --> 00:31:18,160
I see you bathed alone, eh?

234
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:19,680
You've been bathed!

235
00:31:30,210 --> 00:31:31,210
In the golf course.

236
00:31:38,390 --> 00:31:39,930
He's boiling over.

237
00:31:40,530 --> 00:31:42,190
Uh, uh, senor.

238
00:31:42,870 --> 00:31:44,070
Uh, hello there.

239
00:31:45,530 --> 00:31:46,830
Uh, Peter Charlton.

240
00:31:47,230 --> 00:31:48,230
Inada.

241
00:31:48,310 --> 00:31:49,930
Could you, could you turn it up, please?

242
00:31:50,270 --> 00:31:53,470
Oh, turn it up. Could you turn the salt
pan out on the table, please?

243
00:32:17,130 --> 00:32:20,610
From the fruit of the sea, here we have
a very beautiful crab.

244
00:32:20,830 --> 00:32:21,830
Oh,

245
00:32:22,290 --> 00:32:23,410
it's not fresh.

246
00:32:24,010 --> 00:32:25,170
No, no, it's fresh.

247
00:32:25,470 --> 00:32:30,370
It's so fresh. Today, it crawled out of
the sea, across the road, onto my stall.

248
00:32:30,890 --> 00:32:33,610
I think maybe he's throwing something on
the way.

249
00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:13,360
ill -run, run -down, disgusting eating
place I've ever been to. And you're the

250
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:17,260
most inept, incompetent, cumbersome,
boorish waiter I've ever encountered.

251
00:33:17,580 --> 00:33:19,240
It is too late to apologize!

252
00:33:20,100 --> 00:33:22,380
No! You know the trouble with the
English?

253
00:33:22,620 --> 00:33:24,680
They are such messy eaters, look at
them.

254
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:34,080
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please
welcome the lovely Felicity Burski.

255
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:45,500
I know you must go, but don't look at
the clock.

256
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,160
Don't hear the tick -tock.

257
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:51,340
Come close.

258
00:33:52,700 --> 00:33:56,820
I want this moment to linger.

259
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:03,000
I want the time to stand still.

260
00:34:05,340 --> 00:34:08,960
Don't let the clock move a finger.

261
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:14,699
Not while your arms are so thrilling.

262
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:20,219
The clock can't know what I'm feeling.

263
00:34:22,159 --> 00:34:26,159
These precious moments we're stealing.

264
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:33,280
Locked up for fools who take time out
for who.

265
00:34:34,219 --> 00:34:38,100
Let's take the time to make love.

266
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:46,440
Why can't we go on pretending?

267
00:34:49,100 --> 00:34:55,580
Let's say the clock isn't here I

268
00:34:55,580 --> 00:35:02,360
can't imagine pretending Not while your

269
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,420
lips are so near

270
00:35:20,230 --> 00:35:27,090
For the rest of the night Let's take the
time to

271
00:35:27,090 --> 00:35:33,850
make love Dawn will be here And then
you'll

272
00:35:33,850 --> 00:35:40,470
disappear Please make the time to make
love

273
00:36:19,089 --> 00:36:22,470
You know what, I was thinking, if when
we leave here, off of a meal, you know,

274
00:36:22,530 --> 00:36:25,250
if we go back to my place, I hope we
might have a little bit of fun.

275
00:36:25,950 --> 00:36:28,070
How dare you!

276
00:36:28,490 --> 00:36:31,650
If you think I'm the sort of girl that
can be bought with a meal and a few

277
00:36:31,650 --> 00:36:33,570
drinks, you're very much mistaken.

278
00:36:34,130 --> 00:36:35,130
I'm sorry.

279
00:36:35,970 --> 00:36:36,970
Waiter!

280
00:36:37,390 --> 00:36:38,390
Separate checks, please.

281
00:37:04,490 --> 00:37:05,490
Yes, yes, yes.

282
00:37:05,850 --> 00:37:06,850
Waiter, garçon.

283
00:37:07,030 --> 00:37:08,030
Look,

284
00:37:08,370 --> 00:37:10,290
in Madame's soup, there's a fly.

285
00:37:10,770 --> 00:37:11,770
A fly.

286
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:13,230
In the soup.

287
00:37:13,690 --> 00:37:14,750
La mouche.

288
00:37:14,970 --> 00:37:17,910
La mouche. No, no, no, monsieur, s 'il
vous plaît.

289
00:37:18,190 --> 00:37:20,610
La mouche. It is feminine.

290
00:37:22,310 --> 00:37:24,590
I say, you've got damn good eyes.

291
00:37:27,530 --> 00:37:28,910
What is it, Harry?

292
00:37:30,070 --> 00:37:32,930
Look, a man shouldn't keep things from
his wife.

293
00:37:34,700 --> 00:37:36,460
Something's bothering you, isn't it?

294
00:37:38,980 --> 00:37:42,100
You see, my wife doesn't understand me.

295
00:37:42,720 --> 00:37:44,000
Mine don't either.

296
00:37:47,740 --> 00:37:50,460
Good morning.

297
00:37:52,940 --> 00:37:59,420
How about stains?

298
00:38:00,180 --> 00:38:02,160
Don't worry about stains, madam.

299
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:05,640
The easy clean will soon get rid of
them. You watch.

300
00:38:31,500 --> 00:38:34,960
the couple looked down at their newborn
child in their shack that was falling to

301
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:39,600
bed. The mother said, let's call him
Johnny. And the father said, let's call

302
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:43,520
Chris. And when Johnny was four, his
father was too poor to buy toys from the

303
00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:44,520
Christmas shop shelf.

304
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:48,500
So he just fired his gun and he told his
young son, by the Christmas I'd shot

305
00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:49,500
himself.

306
00:38:50,340 --> 00:38:54,220
Now one day his ma took him to a fair
and he went on a roundabout.

307
00:38:54,780 --> 00:38:57,180
Now he giggled with glee, then I want to
go away.

308
00:38:57,680 --> 00:38:59,040
Everyone heard the boy shout.

309
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:03,000
She took him by the hand from the
fairground they ran, and she took him

310
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:03,738
big tree.

311
00:39:03,740 --> 00:39:07,280
She said, there, shut your mouth. You
can go wee now. He took a deep breath,

312
00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:08,280
he went, wee.

313
00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:11,520
And then he said, please, can I go
around again more?

314
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:13,440
Please, can I go around again?

315
00:39:14,100 --> 00:39:17,700
Now, I love the sound of the merry go
around more. Please let me go around

316
00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:18,700
again.

317
00:39:18,820 --> 00:39:22,500
I'll do all of my homework, and I'll
even kiss old Annie Gwen.

318
00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:25,740
And I won't shout out loud, and I'll
make you proud of me.

319
00:39:28,710 --> 00:39:30,410
At 12, he danced with his genus.

320
00:39:30,650 --> 00:39:32,550
She said, Johnny, you're wicked and
you're bad.

321
00:39:32,970 --> 00:39:36,730
I wish I was your mom for just half an
hour. John said, I'll have a word with

322
00:39:36,730 --> 00:39:40,850
dad. Then someone dropped a lit
cigarette down the back of her dress,

323
00:39:40,850 --> 00:39:41,850
didn't shout.

324
00:39:41,890 --> 00:39:45,070
She just walked up the floor and she
said, what a bore. I should just have to

325
00:39:45,070 --> 00:39:46,070
sit that one out.

326
00:39:47,250 --> 00:39:49,870
Johnny said, then can we go around
again, Miss Rose?

327
00:39:50,250 --> 00:39:51,430
Please, can we go around again?

328
00:39:52,190 --> 00:39:55,750
I've not been this close to a woman
before, and heck knows when I will

329
00:39:56,890 --> 00:39:59,930
I'll tell you the truth, I could dance
with you till the cows come home and

330
00:39:59,930 --> 00:40:04,230
then. I could dance with the cows, so
please, Miss Rose, please let me go

331
00:40:04,230 --> 00:40:05,230
again.

332
00:40:05,950 --> 00:40:10,230
Now at 18, Irene, with the hourglass
figure, got him and a heck of a mix.

333
00:40:10,550 --> 00:40:14,550
Her pa came round and Johnny was round
with his hands on the quarter to six.

334
00:40:14,930 --> 00:40:18,870
They were married next day at the church
by the bay, 10 a .m. 15th of June.

335
00:40:19,170 --> 00:40:22,270
She looked lovely and white and she
said, Johnny, tonight, he said, Edward,

336
00:40:22,270 --> 00:40:23,270
tonight it's afternoon.

337
00:40:24,950 --> 00:40:26,170
And we can go round.

338
00:40:49,910 --> 00:40:51,310
¶¶

339
00:40:55,839 --> 00:41:00,900
© BF -WATCH TV 2021

340
00:41:00,900 --> 00:41:07,360
©

341
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:11,840
BF -WATCH TV 2021

342
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:25,400
Can I go around again?

343
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:28,260
Please, can I go around again?

344
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:34,460
Why, I can't believe that I'll never see
your sky or your trees again.

345
00:41:35,180 --> 00:41:40,160
Oh, the girls and the wine and the
living was fine, and I shouldn't

346
00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:45,900
But then, you give damn short rides on
this fairground of yours. Lord, oh,

347
00:41:45,900 --> 00:41:47,880
please let me go around again.

348
00:48:17,070 --> 00:48:19,910
gentlemen, thank you so much for being
with us, and we'll look forward to

349
00:48:19,910 --> 00:48:22,230
you all again very soon. Until then, bye
-bye.

350
00:48:45,150 --> 00:48:46,150
Thank you.

351
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:16,900
Thank you.

352
00:50:19,629 --> 00:50:22,430
um um